When the Hugs Stop and the Silence Starts- Finding Your Way Back to Your Teen

When our once-chatty, cuddly kiddos turn into teenagers, parents are often caught off guard by the changes that come with adolescence. Suddenly, there’s a new scent in the air (thanks, puberty!), moods can swing dramatically, and perhaps one of the hardest shifts of all is the emotional distance that may form. Teens often stop actively seeking physical affection and may pull away from conversations with us—even as they spend hours talking with friends.

This withdrawal can feel personal, even painful. Who knew our own kids could hurt our feelings so much? It’s easy to feel disconnected, unimportant, or even worried about what’s going on in their heads. But there’s hope—and there are tools.

Dr. Bruce Perry’s Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, Reason

Dr. Bruce Perry offers wise guidance for parents facing these changes. He reminds us of the Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, and Reason—and I would humbly add a fourth: Reconnect.

• Regulate: Our first job is to stay calm ourselves. Regulation—and co-regulation—is foundational for meaningful connection. Use a quiet, steady voice. When your teen is emotionally flooded—angry, withdrawn, or reactive—don’t match their intensity. If we escalate alongside them, we’re just adding fuel to the fire. Find your personal mantra. Mine is silly and makes me laugh inside. “Cool as a cucumber Clair”

• Relate: Once calm, focus on building emotional bridges. Try to understand and validate what your teen is feeling, even if you don’t agree. Simple statements like, “I can see this is really hard for you,” or “You seem really frustrated,” show empathy and invite conversation. Don’t offer solutions or try to talk them out of their feelings.

• Reason: Only after regulation and connection can we bring logic and problem-solving into the picture. When anyone’s emotions are high—including ours—the brain’s reasoning abilities shut down. Reasoning isn’t about convincing your teen to agree with you. It’s about helping them make sense of their feelings, building their emotional vocabulary, and modeling healthy coping skills. “How can I best help you right now?” or “What do you think is the right thing to do?” offers our kids a chance to use their own problem solving and can strengthen not only their creativity but their resiliency as well.

• Reconnect: Every step above leads toward this goal—reconnection. As parents, we can help our teens feel seen, heard, and safe, even when they’re pulling away. That’s powerful.

Tips for Reconnecting with your Teen

• Step Back and Listen
  When your teen comes to you—whether to vent or share—resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Instead, validate their feelings: “That sounds really hard.” Creating a safe space for their emotions builds trust. Give them room to share what’s on their heart and mind without rushing to fix.

• Timing Matters
  If something challenging arises, don’t react impulsively. Intense emotions often lead to intense words—and that rarely helps. Instead, give yourself a moment (or more) to calm down before addressing it. Some of the best conversations happen in low-pressure environments, like during a drive or just before bed. You don’t need forced eye contact—just quiet presence and openness.

• Don’t Be Afraid to Apologize
  You’re going to make mistakes. All parents do. What matters is how you respond afterward. Modeling humility by saying “I’m sorry” teaches your teen that it’s okay to own mistakes and repair relationships. That’s a powerful life skill—for them and for you.

Getting Help with the Emotional Rollercoaster

Teen years can feel like emotional rollercoasters—for parents and kids alike. By staying grounded, tuning into their emotional world, and gently rebuilding connection, we can show our teens that we’re still their safe place, even when they’re trying to find independence. Our job as parents is to be the life jacket. We can’t prevent the storms but we can offer safety through the storms. And remember – each storm has an ending too so don’t give up on your teen or on you!

If you or your teen need support, reach out to Wasatch Family Therapy by texting or calling 801.944.4555 or filling out this form.