Finding Kindness Within: The Power if Self- Compassion
Think about a dear friend confiding in you about a difficult experience. What would your reaction be? Chances are, you’d offer words of comfort: “That sounds tough. Your feelings are valid. I’m here for you. How can I support you through this?”
Now, turn that lens inward. Imagine facing the very same struggle yourself. What does your internal dialogue sound like? For many, it’s a stark contrast: “Ugh, not again! I’ll never get this right. What a mess I’ve made.”
Why is it easier to offer compassion to a good friend than to ourselves?
This begs the question: why does extending compassion come so naturally when directed towards a friend, yet feels like an uphill battle when aimed at ourselves?
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, there are several reasons for this disparity. The encouraging news is that we can consciously redirect our innate capacity for kindness towards ourselves. A simple yet powerful starting point is to ask: “If my good friend were grappling with this exact challenge, what would I genuinely say to them?” I’ve witnessed firsthand how this question can be transformative in my work with clients. Often, I see their posture relax and facial expressions soften, as this inquiry unlocks authentic compassion they can channel inward.
Neff beautifully describes self-compassion as treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding you would offer a struggling close friend. Another way to frame it is embracing yourself–your struggles, pain, and feelings of inadequacy–with a loving and connected presence.
The Ripple Effects: How Self-Compassion Benefits Your Life
The benefits of cultivating self-compassion extend far beyond our internal experience. Research consistently demonstrates its positive impact on various aspects of our well-being:
Mental and Emotional Well-being: Reductions in depression, anxiety, stress, perfectionism, shame, suicidal ideation, PTSD, disordered eating, and body dissatisfaction.
Flourishing: Increased life satisfaction, self-confidence, happiness, body appreciation, hope, gratitude, and overall thriving.
Caregiver Well-being: For those in demanding caregiving roles, such as therapists, first responders, parents, and healthcare professionals, self-compassion acts as a buffer against stress and burnout.
Debunking Common Misconceptions About Self-Compassion
It's understandable that some skepticism might arise when considering self-compassion. Here are a few common myths dispelled by research:
Myth: Self-compassion will undermine my motivation. Reality: Quite the opposite! Research reveals that self-compassion's care and encouragement fuel motivation for positive change. Lessening the fear of failure encourages us to embrace new challenges, reduces performance anxiety, and fosters resilience in the face of setbacks. Self-compassion is strongly linked to a growth mindset, whereas self-criticism breeds performance anxiety, fear, undermines confidence, and hinders learning due to shame.
Myth: Self-compassion is a sign of weakness. Reality: Self-compassion is a powerful source of inner strength and resilience when navigating life's inevitable difficulties, such as divorce, chronic pain, and raising children with special needs. Notably, studies on veterans returning from conflict zones have shown that higher levels of self-compassion were a stronger predictor of lower rates of PTSD than the intensity of their combat experiences. Being your own ally – having your own back – cultivates far more strength than being your own harsh critic.
Myth: Self-compassion is selfish and will make us self-centered. Reality: Research indicates that self-compassionate individuals are perceived by their partners as more caring, intimate, loving, less controlling, and more compromising. Nurturing kindness and understanding within ourselves actually equips us with more capacity to love others.
Embarking on Your Self-Compassion Journey: Where to Begin
If the idea of self-compassion feels new, here are some gentle ways to start cultivating this practice:
The Power of Touch: Close your eyes and place one or both hands over your heart. You might also offer yourself a comforting hug, perhaps even incorporating a gentle rocking motion, reminiscent of soothing a baby. Another tender gesture is to cup your cheeks in your hands, as you might do with a child you cherish.
Words of Comfort: Speak to yourself with kindness. Try phrases like, “It’s okay to feel [label the emotion]. Your feelings are valid. I’m here with you.”
Asking Yourself What You Need: In moments of struggle, pause and ask, “What do I truly need right now?” Perhaps it’s the physical comfort of a self-hug, the reassurance that “You’re doing the best you can. This is a common human experience. You’re not alone.” You might even benefit from reminding yourself of your positive qualities: “Here are some things I love and appreciate about you: [list specific traits].”
The Friend Test: As mentioned earlier, the direct approach of asking, “If my good friend were experiencing this struggle, what would I say to them?” can be insightful.
Notice if giving this self-compassion may soften the intensity of your unpleasant emotions.
Bringing Self-Compassion to Life: Examples in Action
Let's explore how self-compassion can be put into practice. Consider the following examples and notice how a shift towards self-kindness can transform your experience. As an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, I often guide clients to use "you" when their inner Self offers comfort to a younger part. Feel free to adapt this by using "I" language to speak compassionately to yourself in similar situations.
Feeling Overwhelmed at Work: You might place a hand on your heart and say, “It makes complete sense that you feel overwhelmed and stressed right now. You have a lot on your plate. I’m here with you. Everyone experiences this feeling sometimes. I care about you. What do you need right now?” Perhaps the answer is to stand up, take a few deep breaths, and stretch your tense muscles. Notice whether this act of self-compassion brings a sense of ease.
Feeling Sad About Being Left Out: You could give yourself a gentle hug and say, “It’s okay to feel sad when you feel excluded. Your feelings are valid. I’m here with you. I love and accept you just the way you are. In fact, here are three things I truly appreciate about you: your warm friendliness, your resilience in tough situations, and that you complimented the grocery store clerk. Is there something comforting I can do for you?” Maybe it’s reaching out to a supportive friend or engaging in a comforting activity. Again, observe if this self-directed compassion lessens the sting of sadness.
It’s common for our inner critic voice to be louder than our inner compassionate voice. However, consistent practice can strengthen your self-compassionate voice, just like building any muscle. If you would like the support of a therapist as you cultivate this empowering pattern of self-compassion, you can reach out to Wasatch Family Therapy by texting or calling 801.944.4555 or filling out this form.
