What Hollywood Got Wrong: Men’s Emotional Health

Generations of American men have learned from Hollywood that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. They can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of them struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where Hollywood got it wrong in regards to men’s emotional health.

Hollywood doesn’t show how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. Those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

What Men Want In Their Marriage

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships. I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved.

Three Facts About Men’s Emotional Health

What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are three suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!” Married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love.

Therapists often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” This suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of their emotional needs are placed upon their marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

Your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people. Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this.

Marriage Therapy Near Me

If you’re searching for the best marriage therapist near me, you may have just found them. The team at Wasatch Family Therapy is ready to stand behind you and support you and your loved ones on your journey.

To schedule a session with one of our highly trained and compassionate marriage and relationship therapists, call or text 801.944.4555. Or you can contact us by filling out the short form linked here.

*This article was originally written by a former therapist at Wasatch Family Therapy and has since been updated by Dr. Julie Hanks and her team.